After All

1 John 3:2 "Beloved, we are God's children now, and what we will be has not yet appeared; but we know that when he appears we shall be like him, because we shall see him as he is."

A year ago I spent one afternoon and only had a couple of exchanges with a 27 year old friend who was helping a family of 9 pack up their house to move across the country.  He was a colleague of my friends and he spoke to me like we had been friends our whole life.  In just a couple of conversations I knew he had a passion for Christ, for students living right and that he loved to be active.  He was involved in the life of another family I am friends with and I have thought how much I would like to spend time with him. Well, he died this week. Over 2,000 people have "liked" the prayers for James Belyea page. Josh never met him but after reading through the comments people were leaving he called me and was filled with emotion overflowing.   He impacted everyone he met and even some that had only heard of him.

When I heard After All  this morning it resonated some initial thoughts I had when it first came out.

When Stephen died it was instrumental in my grieving process to know that he had started his eternity of praising God, of worshiping him in fullness.  The face to face that we have sung about our whole lives.

But right now I can only dream about that majesty, it isn't bright enough right now.

Our life right now can't contain all of his Glory.

But He reigns.

I can't comprehend it but 

He is Holy

After All

I can't comprehend your infinitely beautiful and perfect love
Oh I've dreamed dreams of majesty as brilliant as a billion stars
But they're never bright enough after all

You are Holy
Oh Holy
Holy, Holy, Holy

I will sing a song for you my God with everything I have in me
But it's never loud enough after all

You are Holy
Oh Holy
Holy, Holy, Holy

Heaven and earth are full, full of your glory, glory
My soul it overflows full of your glory, your glory
Oh blessed is he who reigns, full of your glory, your glory
My cup, it can't contain all of your glory, your glory
Hosanna we are found after all you are

Holy
Oh Holy
Holy, Holy, Holy

I can't comprehend
You're infinitely beautiful

by the David Crowder Band

Another one of my grieving songs that has come out recently is Matt Redman's 10,000 Reasons
And another one that redirects me : Stronger by Hillsong

Faithful

It is pretty common for Josh to have Pandora playing worship music while we are getting ready for church.  In the bedroom I had the morning news on already and didn't turn it off until I heard "How he Loves" and it sounded different, could it be I wondered?
Yes it was.
It was John Mark McMillian.
A few months ago we learned the story behind the song. Before then I mostly listened to the David Crowder version.

Our church had a Thanksgiving service last night.  We ate Italian before and sang and gave thanks after.
The new pastor stopped the singing abruptly after the line :
Here I raise my Ebenezer
"Take a stone," he said, "and write what you are thankful for and place in up front."......."Oh, and tell everyone what you wrote."
Great idea but the first thing that came to my mind was Stephen because the last three songs we sang I had specifically written about this year.  Specifically written about how they taught me something about God. 
Streaming tears.
I couldn't go up there and write Stephen and then say why.
After sitting there and listening to all the wonderful reasons people were giving thanks I thought about the past year and the lesson I had taught in the morning's  Sunday school lesson. 
God has been faithful to talk to me through songs and teach me about his truth.

At the very end of McMillian's youtube song there is a line that is not on the radio version:
"I thought about you the day that Stephen died and you met me between my breaking, I know that I still love you God despite the agony."

When I get where I'm going

Every post needs a picture and while this isn't the picture I was looking for, it is a happy picture and I am hoping you have a happy St. Patrick's Day.
Last night I was reminiscing with a friend about Elise's hair when she was little so I guess that's why I stopped on this one and didn't keep looking for a picture of Stephen.
This Friday would have been Stephen's 19th birthday.
Monday I was overwhelmed with grief for my sister's son.
Tuesday was a little better but was still much more intense than I thought possible.

"Be still and know that I am God" Psalm 46:1 has been painful.

I don't have time today to grieve, this post will be all.
The weeks following Stephen's death this song helped, but Monday night durring my walk it opened the floodgates of grief that I didn't know was there. Tuesday's walk was almost a repeat.
Last November when I told Cathron about the song she said Stephen would have liked it because it dealt with Jacob's struggle with God that he had related to so tenderly. But this week when I listened to it all I could hear was Cathron's struggle.
"The thing I love you erase
Nothing but a empty space
Now I don"t know how to be"

Josh has always said he wants his death to be a celebration, and I patronizingly go a long with what he's saying...knowing the theology behind his reasoning.

Yeah when I get where I'm going
There'll be only happy tears
I will shed the sins and struggles
I have carried all these years
And I'll leave my heart wide open
I will love and have no fear
Yeah when I get where I'm going
Don't cry for me down here

A friend from church just called and spontaneously we are going out to lunch, for today, grief time is over.

Still working on this month's Bible memory verse. I think I am going to be realistic and only going to work on one a month. That's where I am at.

We, who with unveiled faces all reflect the Lord's glory,
are being transformed into his likeness with ever-increasing glory,
which comes from the Lord, who is the Spirit.
2 Cor. 3:18

Unexpected

Ever read a children's book that makes you cry? I remember checking out a book with a watercolor picture of the cat on the front when the boys were little thinking that would be a nice book, only to have stop reading half way through because I was all choked up because the cat ended up dying! Then there are Patricia Polacco books that I know ahead of time are bound to stir a tear.
But Dr. Seuss?
Last night Elise picked out some Dr. Seuss books to read before bed so I got in bed with her and started reading Are you My Mother?
Got to the part about the Snort and tears started welling up in my eyes.
Stephen and Joshua used to call every crane they saw when they were little, Snorts.
Next book, The Cat in the Hat
That should be safer.
Nope
This time more tears because Cathron used to call Stephen and Joshua, Thing 1 and Thing 2.
Half the book is about Thing 1 and Thing 2, all the while I'm thinking about all the mischief Stephen created.
Oh my, my throat still feels all tight, willing my mind to not get worked up over this.
As I thought about writing this and the title for the post, immediately the hymn...Come Thou Long Expected Jesus came to my mind.
A lot of what happens in life is unexpected but one thing is expected and is very good.

Come, Thou long expected Jesus
Born to set Thy people free;
From our fears and sins release us,
Let us find our rest in Thee.
Israel’s Strength and Consolation,
Hope of all the earth Thou art;
Dear Desire of every nation,
Joy of every longing heart.

Born Thy people to deliver,
Born a child and yet a King,
Born to reign in us forever,
Now Thy gracious kingdom bring.
By Thine own eternal Spirit
Rule in all our hearts alone;
By Thine all sufficient merit,
Raise us to Thy glorious throne.

Beauty from Ashes

My nephew Stephen wasn't the poster boy for a church boy...and neither were most of his friends. That may be why I prayed for him so earnestly between June when I went up for his graduation and Oct. 31 when he died. I prayed for him like I have never prayed for my own children.
Nov. 2 when I woke up, I started praying for Stephen like usual but then I remembered.

During the viewing and funeral my sister Cathron and her husband Dave told everyone who shook their hand and gave them a hug that it was only through trusting in Jesus that Stephen was in heaven now and encouraged all of the well wishers to do the same.
So now instead of praying for Stephen the list has mulitplied into praying for his friends.
Cory, who was with Stephen four wheeling when he died and had to make all the emergency calls.
Ryan, who lived across the street from where he died and did CPR with his father until the ambulance arrived.
Jake, who wasn't there but practically lived at my sister's house.

Brandon and Megan who got married the week before and Stephen had bought a brand new suit to wear to their wedding. They have a 5 month old baby girl.

And today I got an email forward from Cathron that she had received from Cory's girlfriend:

"The first Sunday I don't have to work I'd like to come to church with you all and find what Stephen found."

Can I get an Amen?

Isaiah 61:3 (New International Version)

³ and provide for those who grieve in Zion—
to bestow on them a crown of beauty
instead of ashes,
the oil of gladness
instead of mourning,
and a garment of praise
instead of a spirit of despair.
They will be called oaks of righteousness,
a planting of the LORD
for the display of his splendor.

Gone

Tomorrow I will go to my second funeral this summer. The first one was for one of my mother's friends who was a epitome of a Southern Lady. Funny, the next one is for a very Southern Gentleman. Both of them had a very gentle and slow way with words but were not slow thinking in the least. Even though they both professed a personal Christian Faith, it still saddens my heart to know that both of them are gone. I told myself during the first one that it was a celebration of her life...and I will try to do that tomorrow.